the way we get by

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The moment I found out I was first pregnant was a very weird time in my life. I was planning to call it quits in LA and move. It brought back someone in my life who I was ready to let go of because it just wasn't what I wanted and I knew I deserved more. I don't like admitting that but it's the truth and if there's anything I learned in the past two in a half years it's that you have to be honest with everyone involved in your situation.The past two in a half years have been a wild and weird ride. It's had it's amazing passionate moments, it's rock bottom moments and beautiful Charlie. While all of this was going on I started to care too much what another person thought. I lost "me". How did I ever let that happen? I believed a lot of negative stuff that I was "fed" manifest in me and I made bad choices. I no longer was putting the two most important people forward. All that should've ever mattered was Charlie and I. When I lose sight of that is when you make wrong choices. Above anyone else your child's needs to be the main focus. What's healthiest for them - not you.   

As a parent you have to set a series of healthy examples for your child. Owning up to your actions, words and choices is one of them. In the past I'd let a situation like this eat at me but not anymore. This may work on someone who has been led to believe differently or doesn't know any better but it will no longer work on me. Even after all the crud - I don't carry an ounce of hate. I just know better who to get involved with and not get involved with in a situation like this in the future and it's been a learning experience. That's the beauty of life - it's a learning experience. At any given moment you're allowed to start over. Even if it's scary being alone doing so. It's better than being with the wrong person who you may have thought was the right one. I want to set an example for my son of what's okay and what's not. I want him to know that he should never settle for anyone or anything that he doesn't deserve. I know Charlie needs a healthy and peaceful environment and that what's I'm dedicated to. He's so young. There's so much he doesn't understands but yet so much he does. As a parent you always under estimate how much your child understands. I will do everything I can on my part to shield him from drama and the hurt. I've gotten the mama bear mentality of hurt me all you want but god help you if you harm my child in any way shape or form.      

I've been really happy with just Charlie and I. We take little trips together sometimes alone and sometimes with our favorite people. We sometimes have dinner alone and sometimes we have dinner parties. We take walks, go on hikes, explore, have dance parties and read lots and lots of books. I never in a million years ever wanted to be a single mother but here I am. I don't get sick days. I no longer know what it's like to sleep in. I don't have another person to help out out when he's sick and has gone through every sheet and blanket in the house and we're stuck at a laundromat at 3am doing laundry. My friends are true rock stars and have been so helpful. The ones who are always a phone call or text away, the ones who invite us over to eat so I'm able to sit for a moment and enjoy a meal, the ones who bring extra blankets or medicine at 1:30am, the ones who are a shoulder to cry on and the ones who are constant reminders of what I deserve and what I don't, etc. One day Charlie and I will have those extra set of hands to help us out at 3am or do a medicine run at 1:30am but for right now we're doing just fine the two of us and we'll keep truckin' cause that's what we do well. Here's to continuing the positive changes I'm making in our little lives :)