the adjustment period

Like life, change doesn't come with a book of instructions. There's no proper way to cope with any sort of change that enters your life. Sometimes good changes come into your life that leave you wanting to pirouette in aisles of Target. Or sometimes change comes in forms that leave you feeling at times empty, useless and you wind up crying by the succulents in Home Depot. I'm currently in the midst of experiencing both of these things. With any sort of change there comes the "adjustment period". You're learning to adapt to these new changes.

In the past I had no issues opening up and sharing however I was feeling at the time. I was an open book. While parts of me are still an open book, there's parts of me that rather keeps things to myself. Sometimes because I'm afraid that the really good things will disappear but mostly because I don't like hurting people's feelings even if it's in a passive aggressive manner. I no longer enjoy being that person and I'm not sure I ever really did. While life was getting crazy with all these changes I found myself not on the Internet much and as much as I enjoyed it, I also missed blogging. Except I found myself having writers block. I had thoughts, I had photos of things that were going on, I documented meals, etc. I just couldn't put anything into sentences. There was a part of me that started to feel that I was very unoriginal. I sort of felt like that awkward 13 year old who doesn't really know where they fit.

Having a child isn't easy and it's especially a little harder when you have to share custody with someone else. For the past two years (roughly) my life has revolved around motherhood. This blog even turned mostly into everything Charlie but that's where my life was at. Now I'm sharing custody from a different coast. It's a big adjustment and as painful as most days are, I think it was the best decision. I'm sure there are people out there who have their own thoughts and feelings and that's fine but keep it to yourself. I'm thankful Charlie has two parents who love the crud out of him. I'm thankful that his father and I have people in our lives who also love and care for that kid. I'm thankful that this kid has been constantly surrounded by so much love. What more can a parent want for their kid?

So here I am.... in this weird strange adjustment period. The past few days have been very rough. Normally sad moments only last a moment and I'm able to snap out of it. However, the past few days have been a little tougher to snap out of and that's frustrating to me because I don't like being the "sad one". I've been living on a toddler schedule since Charlie became one. I still find myself getting up when he would and getting beyond exhausted around the times he'd nap. It's very frustrating because right now he isn't around so why is my body still hooked on this routine? I'd look at myself in the mirror and I wanted to punch it but that would hurt my hand and who needs all those years of bad luck anyway. I had moments where I hated all my clothes, my hair, my face, etc. I've been so used to being a mom that I sometimes forget what I actually enjoy doing. It's extremely difficult at times to focus primarily on myself and if I do I feel selfish. I find random articles of his clothes and breakdown bawling in the hallway when no one is around. Some people in life are good at facials, art, creating something out of nothing, picking sushi, etc. I'm really good at being domestic. I'm pretty sure this was one reason motherhood came so easily to me. It's frustrating because I don't enjoy doing anything as much as I've enjoyed being a mother on a daily basis. Oh, and party planning. I can plan a darn good party but that's a little off subject right now. Oh, and crafts. Okay moving on with this... I miss planning our daily activities and his weekly finger friendly food meals. I miss seeing the way his face would light up when he'd see our favorite people and watch their face light up as they saw his. It's pretty amazing to watch your kid interact with the special people in your life. It's just a difficult adjustment. After my daily FaceTime with Charlie this morning, I looked at my tear stained face in the rear view mirror and decided I had to snap out of it. I was determined to snap out of it. Crying hysterically in the shower because you aren't sure where your life is going anymore was starting to get old. Crying over other people's family instagram photos was annoying. I had to put an end to this "funk". I'm not sure why driving straight home would make me feel better but it did. I changed out of the dress that made me feel fat, I made the bed and opened the curtains in the bedroom. I lit candles in the dining room and bathroom. I plopped my new favorite smelling votive candle (because I can't afford a real size version of it right now) into a very girly looking candle holder (pretty sure the boyfriend might cringe at it) and lit it. Then I opened my laptop and started writing this entry. A quarter into my cherry coke zero and two bites into my piece of candy and I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm not sure if it was the nesting that made me feel better or maybe it was just being able to put my thoughts into sentences again. Or maybe it was knowing that I had a place to return to that makes me feel appreciated, supported, wanted and cared for and I'm happy to call it "home". I know I'll have good days and bad days but I think the best feeling is knowing that you have a group of supporters who believe in you and support you even when you're being grumpy because you're hungry.