learning and growing

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I've had a rough few days (emotionally). The days leading up to "that time of the month" are always grueling and annoying as hell. I hated just writing that last sentence but it comes along with the territory of being a woman. I'm overly sensitive about the stupidest things and I have moments where I hate the way I look and feel about myself. Ex: There were many things that made me upset on the 4th of July (some of them being valid) but what did I cry about at one point? Not having access to sparklers. Sparklers!! Sparklers are considered fireworks and are illegal in Los Angeles. Don't worry I managed to cry about that one in the shower where no one would find me because the sane part of me knew crying over sparklers was indeed just silly. 

One thing I'm learning about myself is that I can't let others actions and feelings towards me dictate how I feel about myself or ruin my day which at times I allow it to. I can't give power to my fears and irrational fears (oh and there are so many that are just downright hysterical). In the past I'd let others actions and words ruin my day and I have the past few days. Which at times is strange I allow this to happen because I'm the first person to get annoyed when someone tells me what to do. I try very hard not to hate or dislike people. I try my best not to let someone else's judgement on something or someone cloud how I feel about someone or something but not everyone does that. I know you can't please everyone and not everyone will like you (no matter how hard you may try). I know that no matter how much you give, not everyone will reciprocate. annnnd the biggest one I've learned is, just because you wouldn't do something to someone, doesn't mean that they wouldn't have a problem doing it to you. It's hard but these are just facts about life. 

It's a weird transition learning who you are when your child isn't always around. Somedays I walk around feeling like one of my limbs is missing. Sometimes I struggle because the person who I was b.c. (my abbreviation for "before Charlie) is no longer the same person. In the beginning I'd be sad for a short time and sometimes I find myself dwelling on being "sad" a bit longer and I get frustrated with myself. I'm sure a lot of this right now is my hormones (damn you, hormones ::shakes fist:: ). When you're an adult I feel a lot of your "worth" is determined by your job, career, salary, etc. While I don't determine any one's worth by that, there's a part of me that is hard on myself for that because I feel that I'm not contributing much even though I may try. That and I'm annoying busy body who has to constantly be doing something or I fall asleep. No joke, the moment a movie is turned on I fall asleep or I have to be doing something while watching the movie. Unless it's at a movie in a theater and then I hope to god that theater serves nachos but that's a little off subject. So since the funds have been tight, I've found myself a little more "down" than usual. 

I guess the silver lining in this is that, life goes up and down. It won't always rain forever but that doesn't mean that it will stay dry forever either. I guess in a weird way that is what makes life worth the ride (even if it's annoying at times). It's in those moments of pouring rain when you find some sort of inner strength to learn to dance in it. While I know life isn't as bad as it could be and I'm so blessed and thankful for everything and everyone I do have, I'm embracing this time because it's giving me a weird amount of strength I never knew I had in me and is a learning lesson. I also want to show Charlie that even in times of struggle you don't curl up and give up. It's important to find something special in everyday and everyday (even if it's a struggle), I know two things are always the highlight of my day, my conversations and FaceTimes with Charlie and the moment my boyfriend gets home from work. Everything else is just icing on the cake.