a little ramble for a friday

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Even though "30" is roughly 7 months away, it's been on my mind lately. I'm not a big fan of my birthday. I've tried but it just doesn't happen. I won't sit here and try to make it seem like my twenties were the best years ever because that would be a lie but I won't sit here and say they were the worst ever. I will be happy to "peace out" to them. I spent a lot of my twenties waiting around for things to happen. I waited patiently in romantic relationships hoping they'd figure out what they wanted and trying to be supportive along the way. I sometimes invested time in friends who didn't value friendship the same way I did. I spent a lot of time trying to find happiness in the wrong places I guess. Maybe that's not the best way to describe it but sometimes that how it felt. Becoming a mother was a whole new level of my twenties and probably one of my favorites regardless of how difficult the situation was. I also learned a lot about my interests and who I really was. 

Remember when you were a kid and you were asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?". I love this question and I hate it. Yes, it's important to find something you love and you should pursue that but isn't it just as important as "who do you want to be?" or "how do you want to be?". It's a loaded question for a young child so it's easier to ask what kind of job/career you'd like. At my pre-school graduation I told everyone I wanted to be a model or a rockstar. I'm not really sure I wanted to be either but I thought it would get a good laugh. I know my mother wasn't too pleased with that response and the inability to make her laugh probably ended any comedy career at the ripe age of 5. I always wrote stories as a kid and did into my late teens (nerd!!) but never had dreams of becoming a writer. I did theater as a kid and thought acting might be fun but no. I loved art class but got frustrated because I couldn't draw very well and I had a few art teachers who told me I had no talent. I'm pretty sure that stuck with me because my boyfriend tried giving me an art lesson the other night and I was a horrible student because I couldn't get past my 6th grade art teacher telling me I didn't have a creative bone in my body. I danced my entire childhood into my teens but that was in hopes that one day I could do a front walkover on a car tawny kitaen style. Oh, and on and off for two years I secretly dreamt of being a back up dancer for Britney or some other pop tart. Don't worry I now have my eyes set on being one of Beyonce's. Beyonce, if you're reading this, e-mail me. Let's talk. I think I'm the missing piece to your tour. Okay.. Okay.. getting off track here... I sometimes wish someone would've asked me the type of person I wanted to be. I'm pretty sure I would've answered in some rebellious nature just to tick someone off but it would've made me think regardless. 

I remember reading this quote a few years ago and I probably rolled my eyes at it and thought nothing of it. Then I read it again a year in a half ago and it started to make a bit more sense and now I believe it. I'm a notorious "just jump and figure it out later" type of person. Which is sometimes weird because I'm over thinker or worry wart about other things. I've come to realize the best decisions I have made are ones that I didn't give too much thought to. It was solely based on if it made me happy or not. It's something that I've learned to love about myself and appreciate but at the same time it can be annoying. I wasn't happy living in Pennsylvania anymore so I jumped ship and moved to California on a whim. When I found out I was pregnant with Charlie it was a horribly difficult time in my life but it just felt right even if the situation wasn't the greatest and I was doing it alone. I knew I'd figure it out. Same thing with a bunch of different things. If something or someone makes you happy, just go for it and go all the way because you will eventually figure it out. The hardest part is the initial "jump". Everything else will make itself work along the way - promise. 

That's my little ramble for this Friday. Hope everyone who reads this has a lovely weekend!!