an adjustment period update

Like I've mentioned before, I'm in this weird adjustment period. I have my good days and I have my bad days. The most frustrating thing about it is, I'm not sure when this period end. Will it ever end? Am I over thinking or being too negative saying that? Decisions aren't easy. There comes a point when you look at yourself in the mirror and realize a situation isn't healthy for you. That's always been a tough one for me. Because I feel that I've somehow failed that I wasn't trying hard enough to make something work. I'm a natural fighter when it comes to certain situations. I fight for the ones I love and want to protect them. I fight to keep friendships and relationships to keep going because I see potential and a part of me wants to be extremely optimistic that everyone can be happy but that's not always case. I've learned that the hard way. I've fought so hard for relationships to change in the past but it doesn't work when there's only one person fighting for something. I used to fight so hard to keep things a certain way for Charlie because I believed it was the right thing to do. Except, I'm not the only parent and when you aren't together, you or both kinda lose when it comes to certain things. Some situations you're forced to deal with, your hands are tied. Literally. It's hard to make peace with things like that but you have to because over thinking and over analyzing makes you miserable and you don't deserve to be that miserable.

There are a few things that I'm going to be very honest about. They are things that I'll kinda feel weird admitting but I'll admit them anyway... I feel creatively dead. Dead. Which is difficult thing for me to handle. I am the furthest thing from being an artist but when I walk into an art or craft store, I wander the aisles like a lost puppy where before I'd see something and another idea would pop from there. Which kinda sucks because I live so close to an art store AND a craft store now. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise so I won't blow my money? Holidays, birthdays, parties, etc. is when the creative bug would really bite and I'd get all these ideas. I'm struggling with finding a full-time job and even though I loathe the idea of being in a cubicle again doing the same stuff over and over again, I have to. Which is weird considering when I was pregnant I was certain I'd never want to be a stay at home mom. When I first went back to work I was excited to converse with adults even if they were just crazies on the other end of the phone. The idea of not working freaked me out. That quickly changed when I noticed how much I was missing out on. Kinda like how single parenting never bothered me until I was in it day in and day out and not always having extra hands around became at times painful. At one point in my life I wanted (& had) a job that I basically lived at and the cash was rolling in and I was so busy and other than a boyfriend and my friends, nothing else really mattered. I was on the path to success but my views on that sort of success (at least for myself) have changed. While having those fat paychecks rolling in would help a lot, it's not the most important thing to me anymore. I just want someone who loves me for who I am (the good, the bad and the sometimes ugly), my chicken to return, and eventually start a family. Maybe I shouldn't write "start a family" because I already have one, maybe I should say one day expand it? Even if I'm stuck working a job that I'm not thrilled with, being creative on the side, etc. As long as I would have those things I think I'd be pretty content. Oh, and lets throw in the ability to go on a decent vacation every now and then. Sometimes I feel like society makes me feel like I should be aiming much higher but what's wrong with just wanting to care and love for your family or the ones you love? That brings me the greatest joy in my life. I have a slew of other creative goals but since I'm in a creative slump they're difficult to discuss. I used to follow a standard of how I'd write this blog. I guess it's kinda like how a majority of most bloggers blog. But what happens when life isn't all rainbows and roses? You're supposed to sweep it under the rug and pretend the white elephant doesn't exist? What happens when you don't have those same things around to blog about that you once did? I'm still supposed to pretend like everything is okay? Writing is my outlet and I guess in a way this blog (along with my amazing support system) is saving me. It's giving me a voice that sometimes needs to be heard but sometimes can't find the verbal words to say.

This adjustment period does have a silver lining. They're little things but they're still nice. Grocery shopping isn't a race even though I find myself still zipping through Ralphs like a mad woman for no reason. I've been devouring books like there's no tomorrow. As a small child I loved books but when it came to chapter books as I got older I preferred a magazine or the newspaper. Children books are still some of my favorite books. When I worked for a children's clothing company, I loved their book selection and I'd read all of them so I knew not only what I was trying to sell but because they gave me enjoyment. I love picking out books for Charlie. The lesser known and more interesting books are my favorite (sorry cat in the hat). My love for reading came along the same time my love for cooking started. Hold up - I love to cook as long as I know I have other mouths to feed. If it's just for me - game over. In my newspaper and magazine filled days were the days of baking. My step-mother passed along the love the baking to me along with the love for photography. One day I picked up a book Anderson Cooper wrote at an airport bookstore and devoured the entire book in a 2 in a half hour flight. Shortly after that started my love for cooking (for others). While I love having company, it's always nice to have those bits of alone time. That's when I normally get my reading done. I guess you could say I'm kinda a secret bookworm because I never discuss what I'm reading. I'm almost certain I'd bore someone to death or they'll silently judge me because some of the stuff I read I silently judge myself while devouring the entire book. I love having mouths to feed and nothing makes me happier when they actually enjoy what I've cooked (yes!!). It's also kinda nice to start dinner by yourself. I don't have to worry about running into someone in the kitchen. It's just me, what I'm preparing and Jay-Z. Yes, I usually listen to Jay-Z while I'm cooking. I don't really share that tidbit with anyone for whatever reason. When everything is cooking is when I treat myself to a glass of wine and turn on my Pandora hair band station or the indie rock station. In those few little minutes I'm in complete heaven. Bonus points if Warrant's "Heaven" comes on while I'm enjoying my little bit of "heaven".